Kids. Beans. Knees

This day has been coming and I was already shattered. Good-bye Jimmy. My love has dried my heart like an apricot.

My blood test was bad. The kids are acting up and giving notice. Even cancer patients have hope. What do diabetics with kidney problems have? Fear and loathing in Union.

Too tired.

another year another year

yeah. nothing changes and it all changes. he was not what he was and i am not what i was and he is more of the same. i found a liar and a poet i found a selfish man with nothing to give and his beauty slipped away. i found life is slippery. Another year. and nothing changes. but everything changed.

The Little and Do any vibes end a brenda

So much gone. Another year, another piece of my heart, many blog entries. Fear and loathing in Union New Jersey. The music treats me well and life has seen fit to make the vocals better despite the smoke the stress the screaming. There is something to be said for the accompaniest (?) but I won't say it, can no longer say it, cannot speak and shall hold my tongue my word my heart my life my soul my lies it lies in me to be and sing and exorcise it. I am fragmented and fragments. I am parts and missing parts and living parts and dying pieces. I am a doll a monster a girl a woman with a child heart and idiots brain. My soul is not as stupid as my heart would have it believe. I am tears and rips and thinning skin and thinning hair and here and there I am full of angst and love and still I flow and yet I am arid as words fail me. I have several hearts and little con sti tu tion. I am falling and a fallen woman. I am seen and not heard and heard and not seen and never seen and heard. I am confused and clearly lost. Muse muse go away come on back another day little brenda wants to pay. I am going going and gone. Fishing off the coast of time and yes B I stole your line so sue me. I fish and catch little bois and tiny tois and not the one, the one the one big fish in the little pond that is my love. No I am not obsessed but have an obsession and there is no lesson learned by getting burned by my flame and no you are not to blame point set game.

I love you. I love you too. And I love you most of all. I am Polly and I am full of holes and full of shit and fucked and no you are not a fuck with a capital F or otherwise. I watch you be beautiful and not even know it. I see your fires and want to warm myself at them but there are guards there and prison matrons here and then there is the prison of my fear and self loathing for this heart that betrays.

I shall make myself known to you never. Best to dream. But in my dreams you love me and you, you do not love me. You profess to but my dreams never lie.

from d to d

"Love not me for comely grace"

LOVE not me for comely grace,

For my pleasing eye or face,

Nor for any outward part,

No, nor for my constant heart,—

For those may fail, or turn to ill,
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So thou and I shall sever:

Keep therefore a true woman's eye,

And love me still, but know not why—

So hast thou the same reason still

To doat upon me ever!
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